Closing A Chapter...

On a Friday in August of 2002, I received a call from Child Protective Services in New Mexico. They had my niece and her half-sister in foster care because their mother had been running a meth lab out of their apartment. The following Monday I traveled to Albuquerque for a two hour visitation with the two little girls I had not seen in almost 8 years! They were 13 and 9… they had only been 5 and 1 ½ when their mother moved them away with no forwarding address. Slightly timid, the oldest seemed to remember me. The little one I had only met twice, but she didn’t seem to care. I was family and I came for her, she couldn’t have hugged me tighter!

I was young and single and barely making minimum wage. I couldn’t raise these girls. My parents were settled – Dad retired, Mom working a job she enjoyed at the time. They agreed to take the girls. In February 2003 my niece came to Idaho to live with the family. Her sister stayed behind to try and reclaim a life with her mother, who had promised to clean up her act and make things right. Sadly, she was unable to keep that promise. In August of that year our Idaho family added a 10 year old! In May of 2008 life was spiced up a bit more when the now 15 year old moved in with me!

The years were filled with fun times! Birthdays. Holidays. Great report cards. Some not-so-great report cards. Science projects. Choir concerts. Girl Scouts. The adoption that made them my little sisters instead of my nieces. First boyfriends. First dances. Drivers ed. Learning to drive a stick shift. Road trips. First jobs. First cars. And one long sought after graduation!

All the while, they were still teenage girls! At times I truly believed that teenage girls were a gift from the devil himself. We had the typical teenager issues… but some days we had much more. Runaways. Hospital stays. Theft. Lying. Lots of lying.

We knew we were getting girls from a very abusive environment. We knew we were getting girls with exposure to terrors we’d never imagined possible. We knew things wouldn’t be easy, but we hoped we had enough love and faith to get them through.

We learned that we got girls that refused help. At various points we tried different types of therapy and counseling and peer mentoring, but both girls resisted everything. We learned that we got girls who could not handle rules and boundaries. We learned that we got girls who had to fall hard before they would learn.

We are still learning that these girls need more help than we could ever give. Both of them young adults now… both making terrible decisions that break our hearts… both needing to be set free to stumble and fall… both needing to be forced to pick themselves up…

As helpless children, I rushed to their side when they needed me.

As foolish adults, I now must step away.

This is hard.

Very hard.

I must close this chapter of my life. I must allow them to make their mistakes. I must forgo the feelings of failure and guilt. I must not question if I wasted my time. I must know that no matter what road I had taken in my life, today was my scheduled day to cry. I must accept that they chose the dark paths they are on. I must keep hope that they will someday realise the error of their ways. I must always keep hope…

I survived!!!

Wow!

What an amazing trip!

Wow!

What amazing people!

Wow!

So, in my last blog I mentioned that I was very anxious about this run! I refused to write anything negative… I’m SO glad I didn’t!!! I was very, very frustrated! I had missed runs during my entire training (you know – like I swore I wouldn’t do)… but the last two weeks before this half, things just seemed to be getting harder and harder. I missed TOO MANY runs these last two weeks. When I did run, I didn’t want to… I was content walking, but I did not want to run. I even considered not doing this half. After much thought, I realized I would NEVER forgive myself if I didn’t try… even though I knew I’d end up walking quite a bit!

Race day – I try to avoid the term “race” because to me it is anything but! I have no desire to beat anyone! I just want to see the finish line and get my medal! I really wasn’t as anxious as I thought I’d be… I mean, we had to climb a hill just to get to the start line… that should have been my first clue!! The first two miles seemed like they were all uphill! Up and up and up and up!! Holy crap! I had been told it was a hilly course! I knew there would be some hills… some BIG hills even… but I did not expect them to be one after another for mile after mile! I made my way up, quite slowly, but just booked it down the hills! LOVED IT! Didn’t love going back up the next one… LOVED coming down! Shy of the two mile marker, I checked my Garmin and saw I was running a sub-10 minute mile! I knew it was short lived, but I was proud! I thought to myself “I’m running Brenda’s pace” and then a bird SCREAMED at me! Anyone who knows Brenda, knows she doesn’t like birds (and they don’t like her)! I looked up at the screaming little bastard and declared that I did NOT say I was Brenda!!! I laughed at myself the rest of the way down that hill!

As I approached the first water station I saw Brian and Corey… and a Honey Bucket!! As I continued on, I just kept thinking how cool it was to see people I knew out on the course!! I’m not sure if it was their support or my empty bladder that made the next mile seem to fly by! Just shy of mile 3 we started running on rock… not really gravel, bigger rocks… I was having fun… and then my foot slipped... slid across the rock… an undeniable sound… everyone ahead of me looked back just in time to see me flail my arms just right and regain my balance! Yay me!

Somewhere around mile six I noticed strangers chatting about races and volunteering and such. Having just volunteered for Ironman a couple of weeks back, I had to suggest they do it if they ever get the chance! I ended up making a friend and completing the rest of the course with her! She was a few months pregnant, so a fast walk was her ideal and quite frankly it worked well for me too!!

Just shy of mile 7 I was making my way up a pretty nasty hill, while others were making their way down the same one. It was rough! I wasn’t amused! Then… coming down the hill… a friend!!! NO, four friends! Alicia, Paula, Natalie, and Kim! It was SO great to see them! They were SO supportive! Seeing familiar faces was revitalizing! Somewhere in the middle of a vineyard, I decided I didn’t love this run and I probably wouldn’t return. Happy to have done it, but it is torture and my friends that were repeating it for the second year were insane. Truly insane. I also decided I needed to revisit my goals…

On and on and on we went! Mile after mile! Chatting up a storm about anything and everything! Running some stretches, but walking most… We watched a girl fall at mile 9! A twisted ankle and sprained wrist, she was ready to throw in the towel, but she kept going past the water station… I sure hope she finished (and isn’t badly injured)!!

Mile 10! I LOVE mile 10! Only a 5k to go! See, less than a year ago, a 5k was a BIG achievement for me! Now it’s my favorite distance! When I get to the mile 10 sign, I know I’m home free! I had pulled my phone out to take a picture and had a text from Brenda wondering where I was. Unbeknown to me, she was pretty much convinced that I was going to absolutely hate her for suggesting this course. She declared it (expletive) hard! We knew that they had redesigned the course from the previous year… we naïvely believed they took out some of the hills. We were wrong.

The finish line is such a sight! The medal is awesome! The thing that got me the most were the people waiting there for me! I was the last of our group… by quite a bit… nonetheless, there were 10 people waiting at the finish line! JUST. FOR. ME.!!! Nine of them had driven separately and the 10^th had my car key, so they could have all left… but they didn’t! They were right there waiting for me! Seriously, my friends absolutely, positively, rock!!

After a killer night’s sleep and a long drive home, I am beyond happy that I completed this course! The whole adventure was just so amazing that I’ve decided this run is a “maybe” instead of a “hell no” for next year! The race director says they’ll change the course every year so that we get to see new vineyards! It concerns me that so many people declared this year harder than last… will next year’s be even more grueling? I do want to know their secret though… there definitely more up hills than down hills and we ended in the same spot we started… how the heck did they pull that off???

I’m reenergized and ready to start training for my next one! I’ve revamped my goals… I’ve got some fun challenges coming up! Oh and did I mention that every single muscle in my body hurts! I mean I’m okay right now… but heaven help me if I need to pee… and stairs are completely off limits! I love this pain!

WARNING!!! Rough (yet beautiful) Road Ahead...

A.N.X.I.E.T.Y...
Well deserved, but still...
Fueled By Fine Wine is just 5 days away...
Five...
To a child I would exclaim: That's a whole hand...
To me, that's just not enough...
I promised myself I would not write anything negative...
So here are some pictures of the beauty I get to see...
(courtesy of Brenda :)...

Check back next week for a full report...